Life is cruel. At the moment, when you thought you had everything, the most important thing collapses on you. No, not just collapses... I don't even know the word to describe it. A piece falls here and hits in the face, then another one, right there in your stomach, taking your breath out. Then another one hits your arm, and your leg... and by now you can barely stand on your own two feet. But it's not over yet, the big piece, the one that will rip you open is yet to come.
And when it does what choice do you have but to cave in? All meaning is lost and life is pointless to such a painful point, you don't want to live anymore, but you're too scared to kill yourself, so instead you do it slowly, naturally. You feast on pain and tears and cigarettes and nothing else. Because nothing else really makes sense anymore, everything has been ripped from you.
You walk among people, trying to find a way to keep him out of your head, just for 5 minutes, and you end up wondering "Why don't they see the huge bleeding wound on my chest? Why doesn't anyone see it?" and you can never answer yourself. So you break down even more and run off to the bathroom all of a sudden, just so you can pathetically sob in there, so that no one sees you sobbing. You close your eyes because the tear-blurred world makes you nauseous and you see his face, smiling at you. And something knocks the air out of you again...
You try to be you, but things just don't work like you want them to, so you start asking yourself "What did I do to deserve this? Why did it happen, why did it have to happen?" and you go down a spiral, so deep, so endless, that you wish you had the strength to just jump off the damned building already. But you don't...
5-something AM, every morning, you wake up, head spinning and breath racing, your nails painfully digging the pillow, or your own arms and the first thing you do, before you even realize that you're awake, is to call his name, so he can hold you for a while and take the nightmares you don't even remember away. But he's not there. You're alone in bed, with just your mind... and that is the most cruel companion one could have. You struggle with yourself to hold the tears just a minute longer, but you can't. You let yourself cry because that's the only way you know to heal yourself, it's worked before, right?
And you realize this time it won't. Because this time is not like other times.
You throw the covers over your head and scream and cry and curl up to a ball, as if to hold something... something that already isn't there. And all the thoughts hurt you, and you hurt yourself and you can't go on, you can't move. You can't even get up and make yourself a cup of tea to calm you down.
You just collapse. But the world doesn't... you wish it would stop and pay you some attention, just a little bit, so you survive this, but no one really cares what the crying girl with the sunglasses on in the subway is going through. She's crying, mock her. No one cares that two stops later she had to jumps off to go throw up because of all the emotions. Or that a night later she almost died on the street, on the way home.
I don't know how to survive you. I don't know how to make myself better.
Life is pointless, meaningless. I don't care for anything, not even myself.
Help me.
Love me...
02.11.2010
Replica
And when it does what choice do you have but to cave in? All meaning is lost and life is pointless to such a painful point, you don't want to live anymore, but you're too scared to kill yourself, so instead you do it slowly, naturally. You feast on pain and tears and cigarettes and nothing else. Because nothing else really makes sense anymore, everything has been ripped from you.
You walk among people, trying to find a way to keep him out of your head, just for 5 minutes, and you end up wondering "Why don't they see the huge bleeding wound on my chest? Why doesn't anyone see it?" and you can never answer yourself. So you break down even more and run off to the bathroom all of a sudden, just so you can pathetically sob in there, so that no one sees you sobbing. You close your eyes because the tear-blurred world makes you nauseous and you see his face, smiling at you. And something knocks the air out of you again...
You try to be you, but things just don't work like you want them to, so you start asking yourself "What did I do to deserve this? Why did it happen, why did it have to happen?" and you go down a spiral, so deep, so endless, that you wish you had the strength to just jump off the damned building already. But you don't...
5-something AM, every morning, you wake up, head spinning and breath racing, your nails painfully digging the pillow, or your own arms and the first thing you do, before you even realize that you're awake, is to call his name, so he can hold you for a while and take the nightmares you don't even remember away. But he's not there. You're alone in bed, with just your mind... and that is the most cruel companion one could have. You struggle with yourself to hold the tears just a minute longer, but you can't. You let yourself cry because that's the only way you know to heal yourself, it's worked before, right?
And you realize this time it won't. Because this time is not like other times.
You throw the covers over your head and scream and cry and curl up to a ball, as if to hold something... something that already isn't there. And all the thoughts hurt you, and you hurt yourself and you can't go on, you can't move. You can't even get up and make yourself a cup of tea to calm you down.
You just collapse. But the world doesn't... you wish it would stop and pay you some attention, just a little bit, so you survive this, but no one really cares what the crying girl with the sunglasses on in the subway is going through. She's crying, mock her. No one cares that two stops later she had to jumps off to go throw up because of all the emotions. Or that a night later she almost died on the street, on the way home.
I don't know how to survive you. I don't know how to make myself better.
Life is pointless, meaningless. I don't care for anything, not even myself.
Help me.
Love me...
02.11.2010
Replica
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